Remember that your relationship is as important as your kids and teaching them that you and your spouse need some private time now and then will teach them about boundaries and their importance early in life.
I always tell couples that they will always find one thing or the other that will trouble their minds as far as their relationship is concerned, because the fellow we are married to will/shall and may offend us often, if not daily.
Now using anger as your stalling tactic can bring a lot of unwanted damage to your relationship. If you are resentful of every slight mistake and you allow it to be a sex turn off, just know that in a matter of time you will hate that spouse; you will never see anything good in him or her. So, give room for weaknesses to grow into strengths.
If he wants to have sex, but you cannot because all you are thinking about is I am menstruating, you may really be having your periods, but if you use it a lot of times as a blanket of excuse, you could be building relationship problems with time. If you just cannot think about having sex when you are having periods, let your husband know and he will respect that.
But, remember that you do not always have to have penetrative sexual encounter to perfect your intimacy levels, you could curdle, hug and smooch.
Sometimes many wives think this way: ‘There is no point of having sex, I never get an orgasm anyway.’ Your husband may not have experimented with all the moves to help you reach an orgasm but putting it out openly to him that there is no point to having sex for you is like destroying his manly ego and also truncating all the possibilities of enjoying sex. Imagine how you’d feel if he told you that you never did anything right to please him. You’d want to know what it is that you can do to make him feel nice.
Or sometimes you hear couples say, ‘our case is different; we work round the clock.’ It is common in relationships for couples to work round the clock. But, then who said that sex has to happen at a certain time, in a particular place, for a particular period of time?
You could either meet up for lunch at a guest house and have the best of sex or wake up at the middle of night and have a passionate sex. Although, this may not seem like much of a long-term solution, it is the best way in which you can preserve intimacy.
‘I’m too tired for sex tonight.’ If you have an energy-sapping, task filled activities kind of job, you have the luxury to present this excuse to brush off almost everything that you do not want to do and that includes sex.
But be assured that sex will not take a whole night to end and spoil your sleep. In fact, it will help you sleep better. Moreover, if you really can’t think about sex, you can wisely present it to the partner that is burning with desire in such a way that it will not subject your marriage to relationship turbulence.
‘I can’t miss my favourite soap opera.’ There is too much to see on the TV; no matter how lame this may seem, entertainment does have more significance than real life, sometimes. Even though staying up at night to watch your favourite soap opera or reality show when your partner goes to bed is all right but picking fictional characters over your spouse over the years can hurt the relationship.
Experts suggest that powering down all the electronic equipment at least an hour before getting to bed can make things more favourable for couples.
‘Oh, not again I thought we already have enough sex, is sex your food?’
We often tend to compare our sex lives with that of somebody else. What matters is not the number of times that your best friend has sex with her husband but the number of times that your husband or you want it. An average number should depend on your spouse’s need and your sensitivities to each other’s happiness and satisfaction.
Wives particularly think a great body equals a great sex, so when they think they are not looking good, they say, ‘I don’t feel very nice about my body right now’. While on one hand, women put their vanity over intimacy, on the other hand, all men think about is that they want you and not whether they have mascara on your face or a ‘fall down dead’ thigh. If you think that you are fat and losing some pounds would make you feel better about yourself, then go ahead with it. The very thought that you would set forth on your route to a better frame will make you feel better about yourself. You could also get yourself a new lingerie or haircut to feel better.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
I find it hard to lose weight
I am a twin in my menopausal stage. The challenge I have is that I find it so difficult to lose weight while my twin sister finds it difficult to gain weight. What is wrong here.
Mrs Timothy Bukola
Menopause is when a woman stops having menstrual periods. It happens around age 51, on average. Around the same age, many women find that they’re gaining weight. The biggest reasons for the extra pounds are a slower metabolism and less muscle mass, not menopause. Exercise still helps! Ladies’ metabolism starts to slow down when a lady is in her 20s, women burn about 150 fewer calories per day but when she is in her premenopausal stage, the body starts to shift its makeup. Muscles burn more calories than fat, so if a woman lets go of her muscles, she won’t burn as many calories as she used to. Difference in gene may be the reason your twin never gains excessive weight.
Is this true?
I was in a summit last week where some friends were arguing that early morning erection is not important to good sexual life, and that as you age, you should not look forward to experiencing morning erection anymore; please is this true?
Mr. Stanley Jeremiah
Early morning erection is an indication that all is well; although men have several night times’ erections. On average, a sexually healthy man has three to five erections during a full night’s sleep, with each erection lasting 25-35 minutes. It is common for men to wake up with an erection, informally called “morning glory”. This is in fact the last in the series of night time erections. The cause of night time erections is not fully understood. However, studies suggest they are closely associated with the phase of sleep known as REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. This is when dreaming is most common. Whatever their cause, most sex therapists agree that night time erections are a sign that everything is in working order. When men do not experience this, they need to visit a sex therapist.
My health is more important to me than sex
I have a sensitive tummy that reacts to virtually anything and everything, even water. I am always seen with my treated bottled water everywhere. But my challenge is my husband: he has an uncircumcised penis and loves a blow job. To my husband, it is either blow job or no sexual activities between us. I do not mind giving him any of his sexual fantasies but my tummy’s sensitivity to the slightest dirt, un-hygienic contact makes me refuse. I gave him the option of either he is circumcised, or we take blow job out of the scene, but he refused both saying I am denying him of his conjugal love. Because of this, things have not been rosy. Don’t you think I am at risk of infection and that it is a wise idea if he gets circumcised? My health is more important to me than sex.
Mrs Maureen Glorichi
It will shock you to know that majority of men aren’t circumcised worldwide. Approximately, 30 per cent of males aged 15 and older are circumcised, according to a 2007 report from the World Health Organisation and UNAIDS. Rates vary greatly depending on religion and nationality, the report states. It is also amazing to know that the penis is a habitat; in fact, the skin of the penis is a big home to a diverse community of bacteria. Study shown that there are close to 42 unique categories of bacteria inhabiting the skin of the penis. Majorly, the uncircumcised penis has the highest figure. The inner fold of the foreskin is a mucous membrane, like the inside of a person’s eyelids. And certain anaerobic bacteria thrive in that environment more than when the skin is dry. This research could help explain why circumcision has been linked to a lower risk of getting HIV. But I think if you cleverly with all shrewdness make him see the health benefits of circumcision, he would understand. But if you give him an ultimatum, you may lose him to some other women. For instance, circumcised men may be less likely to pass sexually transmitted diseases to their partners or to develop penile cancer. But if he refuses, it’s important to keep his penis clean, wash the outer side with soap and water, push the foreskin back gently; it will retract easily and when the foreskin retracts, clean it carefully, wash the entire area with soap and water. When the area is cleaned and rinsed, replace the foreskin over the head of the penis.
My husband-to-be has undescended testicles
My husband-to-be confided in me that he has undescended testicles three weeks to our wedding when all the preparation is in top gear; but my family members and friends insist I should call off the wedding. They are saying that he is likely not going to be able to father a child. I am in-between my family decision and the love we both share. Should I go ahead or adopt as he suggested?
Actually, the decision is yours to make since you are an adult. But before you make such decision, I like to make some things clear to you. First, undescended testicle is when one or both testicles of a growing baby do not move into the scrotum during child birth as it should. As a baby boy grows inside his mother, he develops testicles: early in his development, his testicles are in his belly. Normally, before he is born, his testicles move down into his scrotum, the sac that hangs below the penis. About 5 out of 100 baby boys are born with an undescended testicle. It is most common in babies who were born before their due date or who were very small at birth. Doctors don’t really know what causes an undescended testicle. This common condition sometimes runs in some families (can be inherited).
Most of the time, the testicle descends (drops) on its own by the time the baby is three months old. An undescended testicle doesn’t cause pain or other symptoms. The scrotum may look a little smoother or less developed on one side, or the side without a testicle may look smaller and flatter. You can’t feel the testicle in the scrotum on the side where it hasn’t descended. I think the mistake of the guy in question is that he should have told you about his medical condition much more earlier than when you guys have made public your intention to get married to the extent of making the wedding day known. This might be as a result of fear of rejection. Since he suggested adoption, I think it is not a bad idea if you consider his proposal. But if your family members and friends oppose the wedding, I also think you can hold on a little for proper understanding and acceptance of him by your family members. eighty to 85 percentage of marriage opposed by in-laws most times do not flourish nor succeed.
Worried about my two sons
I am 25 years and a single mother of two boys, aged nine and 11. I lost my husband three years ago. My concern is about my two boys: they are behaving quite strange lately. Two weeks ago, one of them insisted he was not going to school because he sometimes experienced ‘hard-ons’ at the wrong place at the wrong time while other boys laugh him to ridicule. Yesterday, on our way from the shopping mall, I could see his penis getting swollen and stiffing and he was frantically covering it up while experiencing some pain and there was nothing I could do about it. Sometimes when they both wake up in the morning, their penises are hard and bulky. What can I do? The other chap is so withdrawn; he will lock himself up in his room anytime he has the opportunity to be alone. I suggested seeing a medical doctor, but they refuse, do you have anything to say to this?
Mrs Sikratu Aliha
You are not alone: most parents have found themselves in this situation and most teenagers and young adults experience such awkward moment. The stiffness you notice on his penis or the hard-ons he experienced is called early erections and these early erections are a normal part of growing up. When guys go through puberty, their bodies go through many changes. Their voices begin to change, and facial hair, underarm hair, and pubic hair starts to grow. This is all normal. Also, their penis, testes, and scrotal sacks will increase in size. And this could really be an awkward time for both parents and child. These physical changes are coupled with hormonal changes. During puberty, many guys begin to experience frequent sexual desire. This could lead to a difficult time in the controlling erections department. Often, the erection happens at inappropriate times — on the way home from school, or at the football field, or at the breakfast table. It is perfectly normal for all guys of their age to wake up with an erection. Even during childhood, most guys will experience erections during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. REM sleep refers to an “active” sleep state, in which the heart rate increases, the brain is active, and we have dreams. Also, during REM sleep, hormones are released and the penis is stimulated by these hormones. Nocturnal penile tumescence (NPT) is the fancy medical name for it. Guys may have several erections during the REM sleep cycle. The best thing to do is reassure them and tell them that they are better off waiting until the erection is gone before leaving the room in the morning times. Then try relaxing and thinking about something nonsexual, like a sporting event. Or better yet, do a dance competition. Erections typically go away with enough wilful distractions. As they get older, they will be able to control their erections better. If he wears boxer shorts and have frequently occurring erections, let him consider wearing briefs or boxer-brief underwear. These tend to be tighter, fitting and could help hide erection from public view.
If worse comes to worst, it is better he just stays seated and remain calm until the erection goes away. If he is with others, tell him to un-tuck his shirt. Or use his textbook to shield it.
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